Jane and the magic kiddie-stop beans.

“There are indications from clinical studies that the mild antimineralocorticoid properties of the Magic Kiddie-Stop Beans result in a mild antimineralocorticoid effect,” Jane carefully read aloud from the tome.
“Anti-mineral-o-corti-coid,” she mouthed with all the slow-nooooo effect of a Zee TV daytime soapie rani lunging at her son who was about to drink the poisoned lassi meant for her mother-in-law.
Were they saying the properties of a substance that suppressed the secretion or opposed the action of mineralocoritcoids, would result in the suppression of the secretion or the opposition of the action of the mineralocorticoids?
Jane’s left eyeball was suddenly spiked by a spear of blinding pain.
All she wanted to know was if the little beans would make her bloated, grumpy or suicidal.
Reading the little booklet that was packaged with the magic kiddie-stop beans made her feel bloated, grumpy and suicidal.
Dros Pirenone and Ethin Ylestradiol sounded like her eastern-european neighbours who led an alternative lifestyle and had just adopted a two-year old nepalese child.
Too many syllables. Too many acutes. Too many thromboembolic disorders. Too many scary sounding things she didn’t understand that related to parts of her body that sounded rather important to have without the complications of itis, emia, oma, opia or esis.
Jane reached that point of confusion where the only thing that made pure and perfect sense was to go shopping for a new pair of shoes and a breastpump.

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saaleha

I am a writer and photographer (look up my work on www.shootcake.com) based in Johannesburg, South Africa. I have an MA in Creative Writing from the university currently known as Rhodes. My writing accolades include winning the 2014 Writivism Short Story Prize and the 2020 Ingrid Jonker Poetry Prize for my debut collection, Zikr.

6 thoughts on “Jane and the magic kiddie-stop beans.”

  1. But what if you’re unnaturally fertile!! I say .. Smoke more and eat more carbs. I think that the only real drawback from going on the pill, is the miscarriage when you first come off. Life sucks. Yay.

  2. Saaleha, when you finish write your first book, please send it to me. Your style of writing is similar to the styles of authors that i love i.e. quirky, comical and intelligent ala Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett.

    ‘Were they saying the properties of a substance that suppressed the secretion or opposed the action of mineralocoritcoids, would result in the suppression of the secretion or the opposition of the action of the mineralocorticoids?’
    That part made my head hurt

  3. Oh! The issues of the wedded to be! I read about half-way before I realised what the hell you were on about.

    drop me a line if you have questions I can answer. mmm…those kiddie-stop beans might actually put me out of work! I watched that movie , “children of men” and kept thinking, what did they do with all the paediatricians if there are now more children?

  4. and dosth thou talkth to the manual that thou need not know 🙂
    okay okay momentary lapse of the mind…
    eish you mad child mwah

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