this time from Ougadougou

From: mutamuta baruka
Reply to:
Date: Mar 27, 2007 12:00 PM


Dear Friend,

I am DR MUTA BARUKA, bill and exchange manager at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA. I got your contact from the internet ,while seaching for an honest and trust worthy person, who will assist me to implement this transfer. l discovered the sum of Twenty Two million and five hundred thousand United States Dollars (USD22.5M) belonging to a deceased customer of this bank.

The fund has been lying in a suspence account without anybody coming to put claim over the money since the account owner late Mr Salla khatif from Lebanese , who was involved in the December 25Th 2003 Benin plane crash. Here is the air crash
The said fund is now ready for transfer to a foriegn account whose owner will be portrayed as the beneficiary and next of kin to the deceased customer of the bank. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlines and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I therefore soliciting for your assistance to come forward as the next of kin, I have agreed that 40% of this money will be for you as the beneficiary in respect of the provision of your Account and services rendered, 55% would be for me while 5% will be for expencses incured during the cause of this transaction If the money is transferred to your Account from BANK OF AFRICA, I and my family in this transaction will proceed immediately to your country for our own share of the money.

I expect you to keep this business strictly confidential and secret as you may wish to know that I am Bank official. Be rest assured that this business is 100% riskfree on both side and every arrangement to transfer this money to the Account you are going to provide have been concluded provided we maintain the confidentiality and secreceirity involved.

1.your sex

2.your age


4.your nationality

5.telephone no.

I am looking forward for your prompt response.

Yours faithfully,



From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: Mar 29, 2007 11:01 AM

Dear Mutamuta Baruka,

Your name instills in me the maddening urge to put your moniker to music, something with a spicy-latin beat, like a rumba or a sexy samba. Can you hear my maraca’s baby? – “boom, chicky boom chi, muta-muta, ba-ruka, boom, chicky boom, chi.”

But I digress, I don’t usually get people emailing me when they search the internet for terms such as honest and trustworthy. Certainly not after that misunderstanding with the orphanage lunches and my account at Prada. How much do four-year-olds need to eat anyway?

Anyhoo, the sum of Twenty Two million and Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (USD22.5M) held in a “suspence” account (i have a suspense account too. my creditors are always wondering when they’ll get paid -grin-) could not have come at a better time.

However, since joining the Church of Former Day Heavenly Goody’s Latter Day Rumble In The Jungle, I’ve learnt the path of selflessness and would prefer that the money be sent to a better cause.

Hence, I attach the details of a noble movement to which I feel all these monies be directed:

The Friends of Jacob Zuma Trust
First National Bank
Durban, South Africa
Branch Code: 221426
Cheque Account number: 62087217818

Thanking you Kindly,

Saaleha Bamjee

I gots the 419… (4)

From: Sami Deckman (
Date: Dec 11, 2006 7:35 PM

Compliments of the Day!

I am Mr.Sami Deckman former staff of Ministry of Tourism presently undergoing medical Treatment for cancer. I am the only surviving son of late Mr. Jeff Deckmann who worked with National Petroleum Corporation for many years as a contract enginer before he died in the year 2002 during the Ivorian political crisis,when his car was ambushed by a mob and he, my mother and my little sister were mobbed to death.

Since the death I decided to devort my life to God and the work of God. When my late Father was alive he deposited the sum of $1.5Million which was an upfront mobilisation payment for an onshore engineering contract awarded to him during the military regime. Gen.Robert Guei with one Bank in Europe.

But,as the regime collapsed and with the death of my father, the money has remained unclaimed.And i have been suffering from cancer,recently my doctor told me that my condition has worsened and i may not survive unless by special grace of God though what disturbs me most is that I am diagnosed to be having spinal abnormality.

For this I decided to donate the fund to a church or better still a God fearing individual that will use it for positive investment of which the profit will be used to support orphanage homes, widows and propagating the word of God,also to help me secure medical treatment in the western world were my illness can be better managed,after the funds might have been successfully transfered to you,if i am still alive.

I took this decision because I don’t have children that will inherit this money and my relatives are not Christians and had been maltreating me with the only motive to take away our properties including the funds hence I don’t want my father’s hard earned money to be misused by this unbelievers. I therefore request you to accept this proposal and help me to achieve my heart desire.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the lord one day. If you will be of assistance, I will surely appreciate and thank you for your kindness in giving me this help.


Sami Deckman

From: Saaleha
To: Sami Deckman
Date: Dec 12, 2006 3:49 PM
Subject: Re: GOOD DAY TO YOU

Dearest Sami Deckman,

And compliments of the day to you Deckman! You’re certainly a brave little soldier, quite chipper for a poor sod with cancer. Please accept my sympathies for the truly tragic and pathetic life station you are currently boarded at.

I am, however not a Christian. I follow the Protocols of The Temple of Former Day Chicken-Spring (wah-wah-good-stuff-higgledy-hey). I have ‘devorted’ my life to the Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo).

To follow in the Path of Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) is to follow the path of Righteousness and Light. For centuries, our faith has been dumbed down by popular churches who offer Sunday night Bingo and free booze and crackers. Many once-fervent believers have been waylaid by these temptations and have lost the Path. May Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) cluck upon them kindly and with great mercy. You see, even barbecue-bound sinners are redeemed by Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo)’s wings.

The Path of Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) is the Path of Truth. Why else would everything taste like chicken? It is all in Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo)’s Great Wisdom and Final Plan.

Question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Answer: “To get to the other side.”
(excerpt from Book IIIVI of Good-Licking Fingers (Seventh Treatise) – Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goos)’s Good Eggs)

Could the Truth be given any more clarity? The Other Side? Yes, Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) is clear!

Save yourself brother!! Especially now in your final days!! Become one with Chicken, for the redemption of your poor oblivious sinner’s soul!!

BBQ-best wishes to you, May my humble efforts succeed in showing you the TRUE PATH.

wah-wah-good-stuff-piggeldy-poop greetings,


P.S The Temple is undergoing renovations and your $1.5Million will go a long way in assisting us with the construction of the giant fibreglass representation of the head of Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo).

I gots the 419 … (3)

The Final Installment…
One soon tires of humouring morons and I’ve always embraced my ADD as the one thing that keeps me snappy. So unless Bertrand’s ‘responce’ to my last email is really blog-worthy, this is my concluding salvo.

From: Bertrand
Date: Aug 1, 2006 6:29 PM
Subject: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dear Bamjee,

I am in receipt of your mail and the content noted.I have already instructed your sisters husband on what to do.I am still expecting his response.

Have a lovely day.

From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: Aug 3, 2006 1:38 PM
Subject: Re: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

My Darling Beau Bertrand,

Why so cold? Why so clinical in your ‘responce’. All I want is a little love. Is that too fucking much to ask for? Pardon my er… french. haha. That’s a little humour for you. get it? get it?

So you’ve received my email and you’ve noted the content. What the fuck does that mean? oops…french again. mwah mwah i’m sorry. I’ve opened my heart and soul to your Bertrand angelfood mudcakes. I want to marry you and have lots of little francophone brats.

Pleeeaaasssssseeeeeeeeeeeeee love me! Or else I’ll take one of Mam’s thongs and hang myself from the cellphone-signal tower.

I’m sad now. You’ve gone and depressed me. All I want is for you to hold me and whisper MC Sollar or Youssou ‘n dor lyrics to me.

Be mine forever Bertrand!!! or else i’ll hunt down your escargot ass and make you eat the entrails i eviscerate from you!!!!

oh forgive me Bertie baby, its the voices again. May the Good Lord have mercy on my wretched soul.

mwah mwah mwah
tickle spank.

i wuv you soooooooooo much!



I’ve also decided that Bertrand should start seeing other people.


From: aicha ahmed
Date: Aug 1, 2006 8:55 PM


I am mrs Aicha Ahmed, the manager in charge of auditing and accounting unit foreign remittance department of bank of africa (BOA)ouaga-burkina faso in west Africa. With due respect and regards I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction ,During our investigation and auditing in the bank, in my department I came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person, a foriegner who died in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with the bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before my discovery to this development,Although personally, I kept this information secrete within myself and to enable the whole plans and idea be profitable and uccessful during the time of execution. The amount involved is (us$7,500.000) (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ). Meanwhile, all the whole arrangement and directives needed to put claim over this fund as the next of kin to the deceased, Upon your acceptance all the information will be forward to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity,In fact, I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant,we are not allowed to operate a foriegn account and would eventually raise an eye brow
on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank, this is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of Oath to the bank and also present a foriegn account where you will need the said fund to be transferred into, after due verification and clarification to designated bank account,I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free, On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as ratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer such as telephone bills etc,While 50% will be for me. Please you have been adviced to keep top secret as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you, I will be monitoring the whole situation here in the bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down there for subsequent shearing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment,either in your country or any other country you may advice me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you, I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible, stating your wish in this deal. Trusting to receive your urgent reply through my alternative Email

Your’s Sincerely
mrs Aicha Ahmed


From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: Aug 2, 2006 2:00 PM

Dear Mrs Aicha Ahmed,

I can not believe my tremendous good fortune. Why just last week the dashing and charming Barriser Bertrand Green (he’s also my fiance, i hope, ooh i’m so naughty) emailed me with the good news that I was in line to receive a sizable inheritance from the estate of my poor deceased (well, not really poor, but the man’s dead, so i
guess when i say poor, i mean poor as in no longer being rich with life) relative Mr Oliver G Bamjee, who left me with NINE MILLION US DOLLARS. I pray everyday that The Good Lord rest Uncle Oliver’s beneficient, charitable, pious soul in peace. I was not blessed enough to have made his acquaintance while he was still of the mortal coil, but as tribute to his munificent spirit, I will plant a tree in his honour.

While I am ever so grateful that you have chosen me of all the peoples to present with this marvellous opportunity of securing Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars (this is most definitely God’s Hand at work), I must not give in to my base desires and succumb to greed.

The Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak, Papi used to say before he ran off with tranny-ho-bitch slut. Poor Papi (not poor as in dead, but poor as in having no moral qualms about leaving behind his beloved family to cohabit with a she-male, i pray for his poor wicked soul).

Anyhoo, last night after reading through your email, I was faced with quite a dilemna. After much self-flagellation and rumination, I chewed on some of the mushrooms Mams cooked after freebasing. It was then that the Almighty spoke to me, Himself, using Riaan Cruywagen from the TV as a medium. The Lord said, that this money wasn’t mine to use and that I should pass it on to someone else who was in need of some material happiness. The Lord also told me to burn down the nursery school, but His laugh was so mordant, and i was sure He was joking. But I gave Echbert the box of matches just in case. You never mess with The Lord.

Acting on the Word, I implore you to contact my darling Bertrand. He is so handsome and intelligent and he’s going to help me so maybe he can help you too.
Here ar
e his details:

Private Phone: 00228 922 8562.

May the Good Lord bless you with bounties of bacon.

My warmest