I gots the 419 … (2)

Bertrand responds!

From: Bertrand
Mailed-By: myway.com
Reply-To: bertrand_green@myway.com
To: saaleha@gmail.com
Date: Jul 28, 2006 9:25 PM
Subject: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dear Miss Bamjee,

I am in receipt of your mail and all contents noted.You have to take heart for all that has befallen you, for God almighty knows best. God watches over us and knows the right time to intervene on our behalf. You should count yourself very lucky, a whole new thing is about happening to you. You guessed right. I am french and have also attached my international passport for your own perusals. Thanks for sending me yours also. But at this time, we cannot mix business with pleasure. What is most important now is how to claim your inheritance fund.

Your sister’s husband mailed me also and I have already instructed him on what to do to claim this fund. It is important, I let you know about this. Is he also acting on your behalf???

It will be important, that you all join hands to claim this inheritance fund. I await your urgent responce.

Bertrand Green

From: Saaleha Bamjee saaleha@gmail.com
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: bertrand_green@myway.com
Date: Jul 31, 2006 9:50 AM
Subject: Re: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dearest darling Bertrand baby-smoochies pumpkinpie mopaniworm,

Please accept my deepest, sincerest apologies for not replying to you with the promptness you deserve, my angelcake tripepudding. I have been unable to access the internet as Mams caught me pilfering her brassieres. The discovery was made after Mams couldn’t find the orange and black satin lace hoochie-mama set Papi bought her when they were still rutting like rabbits in the early days (before he ran off with tranny-ho-bitch-slut).

Expecting a gentleman caller, Mams was furious when she couldnt find her ling-er-ray, for we have reached the direst of circumstances and she has decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and sell her body for our survival. She is a strong woman, and I admire her resolve, May the Good Lord Bless her. Admittedly she’s lost some of her youthful lustre, but none of her vigour and like Mams says, all women look the same in the dark, so her hare-lip and whiskers will not in any way detract from her sensous appeal. After seeing her wobble around our shack in nothing but the bounteous folds of skin the Good Lord knitted her in, I had to confess to my dishonesty and misbehaviour. I’ve spent the weekend repenting and self-flagellating in the outdoor lavatory, ruminating over my ill-actions May the Good Lord have mercy on my wicked pathetic scrap of a soul. Oh Bertrand, I am not worthy of your love!!

Anyhoo, Costa is no longer being kind to me. He demanded I bring him more brassieres, and I refuse to dabble further in a life of crime for him. It was only after I presented him with my own delicates, that he reluctantly allowed me the time to type out this email to you my beloved.

I’ve tried to open the picture you’ve attached but it seems its not working. It does not matter. My love for you transcends superficiality such as looks. I will have you for however you appear, for my love is pure and untainted by the bombastic materialism of the earthly plain. You’re a lawyer right? You must be very financially fortunate then.

Yes, I have shared your propostion with my sister’s husband, and he is quite keen on following through with this. What must we do in order to claim this inheritance, and more importantly, when do i get to meet with you?

I must, my love, see you. My body burns with unholy desire of all things carnal.

May the Good Lord bless you with Cows of milk-gravid udders,

My Love and Intimates,

mwah. mwah. spank.

Published by


I am a writer and photographer (look up my work on www.shootcake.com) based in Johannesburg, South Africa. I have an MA in Creative Writing from the university currently known as Rhodes. My writing accolades include winning the 2014 Writivism Short Story Prize and the 2020 Ingrid Jonker Poetry Prize for my debut collection, Zikr.

10 thoughts on “I gots the 419 … (2)”

  1. u bullshitting me. That could never have happened? 🙂 lol

    How do these ppl find u???????

    Now saals, stop messing around and write a book already! Look at your reply – amazing!

    Actually, u already have the character sketches for a potential book – the Frenchman, the psycho trailer trash chick…what more do u need????

    A PLOT u say?? – minor details!

  2. either that or he’s doff enough to believe that you’re fucking retard enough to believe him and he’s trying to see how far he can take this.

    At the end of it all pllllllllllllzzzzzzzz can I be a vampire who offers him immortality?

  3. OMFW!!!!!!!!!

    he actually responded!!!!! i am impresed….go for it girl….he’s the man of your dreams….

    show me the moneyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!

    fida . . .

  4. You are rocking!

    > But at this time, we cannot mix business with pleasure.


  5. yoh yoh yoh!

    I see he’s covering bases asking you about my mail eh?


    surely he should’ve caughten up by now? damn he’s a bit slow fora scammer… makes me disappointed thinking of some hard core paranoid grifter from all the TV series and movies..

    Aaah.. guess we’ll justh ave to deal with the amateurs..

    btw.. if he doesnt catch on by this mail i think we should try pilfering money from HIM! the idiot.



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