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419 – Poems, Pictures & Prose by Saaleha Idrees Bamjee

Donald Dosi hails from Sudan

My response to this charmer had been lying dead in drafts for a few months until today’s dispatch.

from donald dosi <donalddosi44@msn.com>
reply-to donalddosi@gmail.com
date 24 June 2010 17:01
subject business partnership,
mailed-by msn.com

My Name is Donald Dosi hails from Sudan I am here for investment purposes .

I wish to invest in construction, hardware and other related industries that I may be asked to invest into in as much as the industry is lucrative. I also has an eye into fast -food franchising where there is an opportunity ,If there is any other areas which you have interest for us to go into the industry as partners feel free to contact me for a discussion.or you can give me your number to contact you

Presently I reside in Duban Kwazulu Natal and am Eveready to go any other province that I may be called upon to form a business partnership,
Thank you.
Yours faithfully
Donald Dosi

from Saaleha Idrees Bamjee
to donalddosi@gmail.com
date 16 September 2010 13:20
subject Re: business partnership,
mailed-by gmail.com

Hi Donald,

My name is Padma Pakori walks with the Lord. I am here to do His work.

I am sorry to hear about your eye. I lost the tip of my thumb to a polony slicing machine once, so you could say I have my hand in the processed meat industry.

I don’t have a head for business, but I do have a heart and soul for The Lord. As you have expressed an interest in investing towards construction, I would like to approach you with my idea of establishing the Padma Pakori Ministries for Living Easy.

Our church’s philosophy is built on the premise that God doesn’t want his loyal servants to slog too hard for salvation in the hereafter. We’re all about the 3 P’s; Praising, Prostrating and Partying.

I would like to build the first ministry at what used to be the base of the Athlone Towers in Cape Town. It’s not quite Ground Zero and I’m certain Capetonians will welcome the erection of the our twenty-storey fibreglass mascot, Hi-Jinx the Happy Hippo. The beautifully rendered semi-aquatic sunglass and sarong-wearing beast will prove to be a much-loved landmark and guiding angel.

I haven’t quite worked out a budget for the construction yet, as it’s just been a blur-tinged dream for so long. This is where your super-smart savviness comes into play. It is surely through the blessings of Hi-Jinx and the Lord that your generous offer for a business partnership has dropped into my inbox so unexpectedly! Praise! Prostrate! Party!

I have an idea, though, for generating revenue to cover our running costs (includes costumes, lighting and smoke machines used during the services) and this is to have each congregant pay a cover charge before entering the weekend services.

I’m certain the church’s guiding principles of universal tolerance, universal love and the universal pursuit of pleasure, will ensure we have a steady stream of worshippers with welcome wallets.

Thank you for your most generous offer of assistance Donald Dosi hails from Sudan.

I hope we are able to welcome you into our loving family soon.

Praise! Prostrate! Party!

Love
Padma Pakori walks with the Lord.

“Wham, Bam, Is that it?”

419 scammers are just no fun anymore.

I’d like to blame this on the global down-turn or something I could throw shoes at, but it could just be that some people aren’t quite inspired enough anymore.

From: “MISS J.SMITH” jsmith_12008@yahoo.co.jp
To: jsmith_12008@yahoo.co.jp
Sent: Mon 29/12/08 19:21
Subject: Fwd: Urgent Calling For Help,
Hope this mail  meets you well, please permit me to introduce my self to you, my name is miss jean smith, the only daughter of Late Mr/mrs Williams Smith. I am seeking for your assistance to help me transfer the sum of ( $7,000,000.00 ) Seven  Million  United State of  American Dollars that I inherited from my late father to your  bank account . I am willing to offer you 15% of the total fund as a mode of compensation after the transfer for your time and effort. All the necessary documents concerning this fund is intact.
please  get back to me asap through my private email address (jsm_900@yahoo.co.jp) for more details concerning this fund and I will equally send you my photos so that you will see and know whom I am.
Waiting for your cooperation. Yours Faithfully, Jean.

from: Saaleha Bamjee-Mayet
to: jsm_900@yahoo.co.jp
date: 29 December 2008 23:58
subject: Re: Urgent Calling For Help

Dearest Jean,

Darling, I’m just not feeling you, you know?
What you’ve offered me here is like a glass of Coke left out in the sun all day; a flat and sad fly trap.
Where’s the fizz darling?
Where’s that hook, that x-factor, that A-Ha! moment that will pounce on my naiveté and make popcorn of my good sense?
I’m getting none of that with your, “I am seeking for your assistance to help me transfer the sum of ( $7,000,000.00 ) Seven Million United State of  American Dollars that I inherited from my late father to your  bank account”.
Where’s the drama sweetheart?
No plane crash in the Alps? What of the bloody coup which left you the sole heir of amassed ill-gotten fortunes? Tell me you found God in your omelette and your blackened soul must now make amends!
There’s no arc here baby. Nothing I can look forward to or mull over.
You gotta make me believe. You gotta make me feel like I’m worth something; that you’ve contacted me because you were searching for someone benevolent, kind-hearted, godly, who loves orphans and believes that heathens must be stoned to death slowly.
What I’m really saying is that you’ve got to come to market with something a little less insipid.
How can this be an ‘urgent calling for help” when there’s really no sense of “now!” in it?
Reading this made me feel like I just got laid by Keanu Reeves’ equally wooden clone; a most unsatisfactory one minute I can never redeem.

Warmest regards,

Saaleha

another one that slipped pass spam-control

From: angela kennedy
Subject: HELLO
My dear, I am miss Melina from Juba, Sudan, single and 19 years old. After accessing your details in the internet site i copied out only your email address. Immediately after going through your information i made up my mind to contact you for long term relationship, and to be my financial manager because you are my choice of trust and i see nothing wrong with the choice that i have made in you. Now that i am in a state of absolute confusion I must let you know that my daddy was the Financial controller to the Common Wealth North African Region.
My parents died during the war in my country and i was able to escape and came to this senegal where my daddy’s money is. I am presently in refugee camp in Senegal. The following information is my purpose of choosing you. Before my daddy died he made me the beneficiary of the amount of 9 Million gbp£ in his account with Islamic Bank in Dakar, Senegal. I arrived Senegal without any pucket money left with me. from the refugee camp i went to Islamic bank and the banker in charge said that because of Senegal bank law that their bank cannot deduct any money from my daddy’s account to give to me until i appoint a foreign partner who will claim and receive the money according to the written agreement that my daddy signed with them. the money is my only hope in life. As soon as Islamic Bank transfers the money into your bank account you will come to senegal and take me to your country. If you cannot come to Senegal you will send down enough money from my money in your account for my journey to meet you in your country airport and you will be at your airport to welcome me.I want you to help me receive the amount and also be my financial and investment manager. i will be very glad to also have a detailed information about you.
Reply me only through my own email address: Melinasalman111@hotmail.com ONLY.
With all my Love
Miss Melina Salmanwith all my love

—–

From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: 16 Jan 2008 16:49
Subject: re: HELLO
To: Melinasalman111@hotmail.com

My Dear Melina,

Let me start of by saying how pretty and quaint are those little emoticons you’ve included in your email to endear yourself to me.
At 19 and single, you sound like quite a catch. However, I’m straight and some serious commitment issues on my part will not allow for any long-term relationships. My therapist says it’s because I manifest nymphomanic tendencies and being with one person forever scares the f**k out of me (pun intended). The most I can offer you is a facebook friend invite and a good poke now and then.

You’re in a state of absolute confusion? Honey dear, so am I!! You see, my daddy used to be the Chief Treasurer of the Government Bank here in the Republic of Southern Africa. He fled the terrible and evil apartheid regime, and left behind 100million US dollars in a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands that can only be accessed by a Sudanese national who hails from Juba! My daddy’s quite clever and did this so that the 100million US dollars would remain far away from the grubby hands of the evil grubby-handed people he used to call his advisors. I received your email and was immediately concerned as I thought you had somehow found out about my father’s hidden wealth and were trying to swindle me. But I have a knack for reading people’s characters, and I can tell you’re an honest and God-fearing young woman who will prove to be my only hope in life! This is the miracle of Fate and God’s Hand.

We must act swiftly, without a seconds’ hesitance. I’ve not had pucket money for so so long. Send me all your personal details, including your credit card number with its expiry date and CVV number on the back. We require this to verify your identity, and facilitate the process of releasing the 100million US dollars.

I would not recommend you come to our airport as there’s been terrible stories about tourists being hijacked and forced to pledge allegiance to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, oh what the hell, we call him Zuma. Like that Yahoo! game where the frog shoots coloured balls at other coloured balls, only here the balls are very different.

With all my love,

Saaleha

this time from Ougadougou

From: mutamuta baruka
Reply to: muta_baruka@yahoo.fr
Date: Mar 27, 2007 12:00 PM
Subject:BUSINESS PARTNER NEEDED

THE DESK OF DR MUTA BARUKA
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER
BANK OF AFRICA.
OUAGADOUGOU,BURKINA FASO.
TOP SECRET

Dear Friend,

I am DR MUTA BARUKA, bill and exchange manager at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA. I got your contact from the internet ,while seaching for an honest and trust worthy person, who will assist me to implement this transfer. l discovered the sum of Twenty Two million and five hundred thousand United States Dollars (USD22.5M) belonging to a deceased customer of this bank.

The fund has been lying in a suspence account without anybody coming to put claim over the money since the account owner late Mr Salla khatif from Lebanese , who was involved in the December 25Th 2003 Benin plane crash. Here is the air crash
http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/index.html
The said fund is now ready for transfer to a foriegn account whose owner will be portrayed as the beneficiary and next of kin to the deceased customer of the bank. Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlines and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim.

It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and I don’t want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I therefore soliciting for your assistance to come forward as the next of kin, I have agreed that 40% of this money will be for you as the beneficiary in respect of the provision of your Account and services rendered, 55% would be for me while 5% will be for expencses incured during the cause of this transaction If the money is transferred to your Account from BANK OF AFRICA, I and my family in this transaction will proceed immediately to your country for our own share of the money.

I expect you to keep this business strictly confidential and secret as you may wish to know that I am Bank official. Be rest assured that this business is 100% riskfree on both side and every arrangement to transfer this money to the Account you are going to provide have been concluded provided we maintain the confidentiality and secreceirity involved.

1.your sex

2.your age

3.occupation

4.your nationality

5.telephone no.

I am looking forward for your prompt response.

Yours faithfully,

DR MUTA BARUKA

—-

From: Saaleha Bamjee
Date: Mar 29, 2007 11:01 AM
Subject: Re: BUSINESS PARTNER NEEDED
To: muta_baruka@yahoo.fr

Dear Mutamuta Baruka,

Your name instills in me the maddening urge to put your moniker to music, something with a spicy-latin beat, like a rumba or a sexy samba. Can you hear my maraca’s baby? – “boom, chicky boom chi, muta-muta, ba-ruka, boom, chicky boom, chi.”

But I digress, I don’t usually get people emailing me when they search the internet for terms such as honest and trustworthy. Certainly not after that misunderstanding with the orphanage lunches and my account at Prada. How much do four-year-olds need to eat anyway?

Anyhoo, the sum of Twenty Two million and Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (USD22.5M) held in a “suspence” account (i have a suspense account too. my creditors are always wondering when they’ll get paid -grin-) could not have come at a better time.

However, since joining the Church of Former Day Heavenly Goody’s Latter Day Rumble In The Jungle, I’ve learnt the path of selflessness and would prefer that the money be sent to a better cause.

Hence, I attach the details of a noble movement to which I feel all these monies be directed:

The Friends of Jacob Zuma Trust
First National Bank
Durban, South Africa
Branch Code: 221426
Cheque Account number: 62087217818

Thanking you Kindly,

Saaleha Bamjee

I gots the 419… (4)

From: Sami Deckman (samideckmann@aim.com)
Date: Dec 11, 2006 7:35 PM
Subject: GOOD DAY TO YOU

Compliments of the Day!

I am Mr.Sami Deckman former staff of Ministry of Tourism presently undergoing medical Treatment for cancer. I am the only surviving son of late Mr. Jeff Deckmann who worked with National Petroleum Corporation for many years as a contract enginer before he died in the year 2002 during the Ivorian political crisis,when his car was ambushed by a mob and he, my mother and my little sister were mobbed to death.

Since the death I decided to devort my life to God and the work of God. When my late Father was alive he deposited the sum of $1.5Million which was an upfront mobilisation payment for an onshore engineering contract awarded to him during the military regime. Gen.Robert Guei with one Bank in Europe.

But,as the regime collapsed and with the death of my father, the money has remained unclaimed.And i have been suffering from cancer,recently my doctor told me that my condition has worsened and i may not survive unless by special grace of God though what disturbs me most is that I am diagnosed to be having spinal abnormality.

For this I decided to donate the fund to a church or better still a God fearing individual that will use it for positive investment of which the profit will be used to support orphanage homes, widows and propagating the word of God,also to help me secure medical treatment in the western world were my illness can be better managed,after the funds might have been successfully transfered to you,if i am still alive.

I took this decision because I don’t have children that will inherit this money and my relatives are not Christians and had been maltreating me with the only motive to take away our properties including the funds hence I don’t want my father’s hard earned money to be misused by this unbelievers. I therefore request you to accept this proposal and help me to achieve my heart desire.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the lord one day. If you will be of assistance, I will surely appreciate and thank you for your kindness in giving me this help.

Thanks,

Sami Deckman

From: Saaleha
To: Sami Deckman
Date: Dec 12, 2006 3:49 PM
Subject: Re: GOOD DAY TO YOU

Dearest Sami Deckman,

And compliments of the day to you Deckman! You’re certainly a brave little soldier, quite chipper for a poor sod with cancer. Please accept my sympathies for the truly tragic and pathetic life station you are currently boarded at.

I am, however not a Christian. I follow the Protocols of The Temple of Former Day Chicken-Spring (wah-wah-good-stuff-higgledy-hey). I have ‘devorted’ my life to the Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo).

To follow in the Path of Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) is to follow the path of Righteousness and Light. For centuries, our faith has been dumbed down by popular churches who offer Sunday night Bingo and free booze and crackers. Many once-fervent believers have been waylaid by these temptations and have lost the Path. May Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) cluck upon them kindly and with great mercy. You see, even barbecue-bound sinners are redeemed by Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo)’s wings.

The Path of Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) is the Path of Truth. Why else would everything taste like chicken? It is all in Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo)’s Great Wisdom and Final Plan.

Question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
Answer: “To get to the other side.”
(excerpt from Book IIIVI of Good-Licking Fingers (Seventh Treatise) – Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goos)’s Good Eggs)

Could the Truth be given any more clarity? The Other Side? Yes, Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo) is clear!

Save yourself brother!! Especially now in your final days!! Become one with Chicken, for the redemption of your poor oblivious sinner’s soul!!

BBQ-best wishes to you, May my humble efforts succeed in showing you the TRUE PATH.

wah-wah-good-stuff-piggeldy-poop greetings,

Saaleha.

P.S The Temple is undergoing renovations and your $1.5Million will go a long way in assisting us with the construction of the giant fibreglass representation of the head of Great Chicken (wah-wah-goody-goo).

I gots the 419 … (3)

The Final Installment…
One soon tires of humouring morons and I’ve always embraced my ADD as the one thing that keeps me snappy. So unless Bertrand’s ‘responce’ to my last email is really blog-worthy, this is my concluding salvo.

From: Bertrand
Mailed-By: myway.com
Reply-To: bertrand_green@myway.com
To: saaleha@gmail.com
Date: Aug 1, 2006 6:29 PM
Subject: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee
 

Dear Bamjee,

I am in receipt of your mail and the content noted.I have already instructed your sisters husband on what to do.I am still expecting his response.

Have a lovely day.
Bertrand

From: Saaleha Bamjee
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: bertrand_green@myway.com
Date: Aug 3, 2006 1:38 PM
Subject: Re: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

My Darling Beau Bertrand,

Why so cold? Why so clinical in your ‘responce’. All I want is a little love. Is that too fucking much to ask for? Pardon my er… french. haha. That’s a little humour for you. get it? get it?

So you’ve received my email and you’ve noted the content. What the fuck does that mean? oops…french again. mwah mwah i’m sorry. I’ve opened my heart and soul to your Bertrand angelfood mudcakes. I want to marry you and have lots of little francophone brats.

Pleeeaaasssssseeeeeeeeeeeeee love me! Or else I’ll take one of Mam’s thongs and hang myself from the cellphone-signal tower.

I’m sad now. You’ve gone and depressed me. All I want is for you to hold me and whisper MC Sollar or Youssou ‘n dor lyrics to me.

Be mine forever Bertrand!!! or else i’ll hunt down your escargot ass and make you eat the entrails i eviscerate from you!!!!

oh forgive me Bertie baby, its the voices again. May the Good Lord have mercy on my wretched soul.

mwah mwah mwah
tickle spank.

i wuv you soooooooooo much!

 

—-

I’ve also decided that Bertrand should start seeing other people.

 

From: aicha ahmed
Mailed-By: hotmail.com
Date: Aug 1, 2006 8:55 PM
Subject: REPLY BACK URGENTLY PLEASE!!! 

FROM THE DESK OF MRS. AICHA AHMED THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)ANNEX OUAGA-BURKINA FASO.

I am mrs Aicha Ahmed, the manager in charge of auditing and accounting unit foreign remittance department of bank of africa (BOA)ouaga-burkina faso in west Africa. With due respect and regards I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction ,During our investigation and auditing in the bank, in my department I came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person, a foriegner who died in a plane crash and the fund has been dormant in his account with the bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before my discovery to this development,Although personally, I kept this information secrete within myself and to enable the whole plans and idea be profitable and uccessful during the time of execution. The amount involved is (us$7,500.000) (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ). Meanwhile, all the whole arrangement and directives needed to put claim over this fund as the next of kin to the deceased, Upon your acceptance all the information will be forward to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity,In fact, I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant,we are not allowed to operate a foriegn account and would eventually raise an eye brow
on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank, this is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of Oath to the bank and also present a foriegn account where you will need the said fund to be transferred into, after due verification and clarification to designated bank account,I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free, On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as ratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer such as telephone bills etc,While 50% will be for me. Please you have been adviced to keep top secret as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after I conclude this deal with you, I will be monitoring the whole situation here in the bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down there for subsequent shearing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment,either in your country or any other country you may advice me to invest in. All other necessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you, I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible, stating your wish in this deal. Trusting to receive your urgent reply through my alternative Email :mrs_aicha_ahmed1@yahoo.com

Your’s Sincerely
mrs Aicha Ahmed

 

From: Saaleha Bamjee
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: mrs_aicha_ahmed1@yahoo.com
Date: Aug 2, 2006 2:00 PM
Subject: Re: REPLY BACK URGENTLY PLEASE!!!

Dear Mrs Aicha Ahmed,

I can not believe my tremendous good fortune. Why just last week the dashing and charming Barriser Bertrand Green (he’s also my fiance, i hope, ooh i’m so naughty) emailed me with the good news that I was in line to receive a sizable inheritance from the estate of my poor deceased (well, not really poor, but the man’s dead, so i
guess when i say poor, i mean poor as in no longer being rich with life) relative Mr Oliver G Bamjee, who left me with NINE MILLION US DOLLARS. I pray everyday that The Good Lord rest Uncle Oliver’s beneficient, charitable, pious soul in peace. I was not blessed enough to have made his acquaintance while he was still of the mortal coil, but as tribute to his munificent spirit, I will plant a tree in his honour.

While I am ever so grateful that you have chosen me of all the peoples to present with this marvellous opportunity of securing Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars (this is most definitely God’s Hand at work), I must not give in to my base desires and succumb to greed.

The Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak, Papi used to say before he ran off with tranny-ho-bitch slut. Poor Papi (not poor as in dead, but poor as in having no moral qualms about leaving behind his beloved family to cohabit with a she-male, i pray for his poor wicked soul).

Anyhoo, last night after reading through your email, I was faced with quite a dilemna. After much self-flagellation and rumination, I chewed on some of the mushrooms Mams cooked after freebasing. It was then that the Almighty spoke to me, Himself, using Riaan Cruywagen from the TV as a medium. The Lord said, that this money wasn’t mine to use and that I should pass it on to someone else who was in need of some material happiness. The Lord also told me to burn down the nursery school, but His laugh was so mordant, and i was sure He was joking. But I gave Echbert the box of matches just in case. You never mess with The Lord.

Acting on the Word, I implore you to contact my darling Bertrand. He is so handsome and intelligent and he’s going to help me so maybe he can help you too.
Here ar
e his details:

Email: bertrand_green@myway.com
Private Phone: 00228 922 8562.

May the Good Lord bless you with bounties of bacon.

My warmest
regards.

Adieu.

~fin~

I gots the 419 … (2)

Bertrand responds!



From: Bertrand
Mailed-By: myway.com
Reply-To: bertrand_green@myway.com
To: saaleha@gmail.com
Date: Jul 28, 2006 9:25 PM
Subject: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dear Miss Bamjee,

I am in receipt of your mail and all contents noted.You have to take heart for all that has befallen you, for God almighty knows best. God watches over us and knows the right time to intervene on our behalf. You should count yourself very lucky, a whole new thing is about happening to you. You guessed right. I am french and have also attached my international passport for your own perusals. Thanks for sending me yours also. But at this time, we cannot mix business with pleasure. What is most important now is how to claim your inheritance fund.

Your sister’s husband mailed me also and I have already instructed him on what to do to claim this fund. It is important, I let you know about this. Is he also acting on your behalf???

It will be important, that you all join hands to claim this inheritance fund. I await your urgent responce.

Bertrand Green


From: Saaleha Bamjee saaleha@gmail.com
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: bertrand_green@myway.com
Date: Jul 31, 2006 9:50 AM
Subject: Re: Responce Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dearest darling Bertrand baby-smoochies pumpkinpie mopaniworm,

Please accept my deepest, sincerest apologies for not replying to you with the promptness you deserve, my angelcake tripepudding. I have been unable to access the internet as Mams caught me pilfering her brassieres. The discovery was made after Mams couldn’t find the orange and black satin lace hoochie-mama set Papi bought her when they were still rutting like rabbits in the early days (before he ran off with tranny-ho-bitch-slut).

Expecting a gentleman caller, Mams was furious when she couldnt find her ling-er-ray, for we have reached the direst of circumstances and she has decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and sell her body for our survival. She is a strong woman, and I admire her resolve, May the Good Lord Bless her. Admittedly she’s lost some of her youthful lustre, but none of her vigour and like Mams says, all women look the same in the dark, so her hare-lip and whiskers will not in any way detract from her sensous appeal. After seeing her wobble around our shack in nothing but the bounteous folds of skin the Good Lord knitted her in, I had to confess to my dishonesty and misbehaviour. I’ve spent the weekend repenting and self-flagellating in the outdoor lavatory, ruminating over my ill-actions May the Good Lord have mercy on my wicked pathetic scrap of a soul. Oh Bertrand, I am not worthy of your love!!

Anyhoo, Costa is no longer being kind to me. He demanded I bring him more brassieres, and I refuse to dabble further in a life of crime for him. It was only after I presented him with my own delicates, that he reluctantly allowed me the time to type out this email to you my beloved.

I’ve tried to open the picture you’ve attached but it seems its not working. It does not matter. My love for you transcends superficiality such as looks. I will have you for however you appear, for my love is pure and untainted by the bombastic materialism of the earthly plain. You’re a lawyer right? You must be very financially fortunate then.

Yes, I have shared your propostion with my sister’s husband, and he is quite keen on following through with this. What must we do in order to claim this inheritance, and more importantly, when do i get to meet with you?

I must, my love, see you. My body burns with unholy desire of all things carnal.

May the Good Lord bless you with Cows of milk-gravid udders,

My Love and Intimates,

mwah. mwah. spank.

i gots the 419

A little 419 scammer made his way into my inbox. I had a little monotony to murder and could not resist The Voices.

From: bertrand green
Signed-By: yahoo.fr
Reply-To: bertrand_green@myway.com
To: saaleha@gmail.com
Date: Jul 27, 2006 2:55 PM
Subject: Inheritance Claim Partnership. Ms Saaleha Bamjee
From:Bertrand Green
Address: 64 avenue du 24 Janvier B.P 06
Lome Togo Rep.
Private Email:
bertrand_green@myway.com

Dear Ms Saaleha Bamjee,

Please accept my apology in using this medium in contacting you with such important information as these.I am Barrister Bertrand Green,legal representative to Mr.Oliver G.Bamjee, a national of your country.My late client was a business man who dealt in ammunitions.Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 24th of June 2003, my client, his wife and their only daughter were assassinated at their home in the northern part of my country by people thought to be government officials,but later found out was people he had business dealings with.Since then I have been making several enquiries here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name through the Togolaise foreign exchange commission, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in repartriating the fund valued at US$9Million left behind by my late client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount was deposited. The said Security Finance Company has issued me an order of mandamus to provide the next of kin or have his account confiscated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your honest cooperation and willingness to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through my private mail box below.

Best regards. Bertrand Green
Email: bertrand_green@myway.com
Private Phone: 00228 922 8562.

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From: Saaleha Bamjee
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: bertrand_green@myway.com
Date: Jul 28, 2006 8:47 AM
Subject: Re: Inheritance Claim Partnership. Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dear Bertrand Green,

This is grand news and could not have come at a better time.
Fate has not been kind to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Believer and am in no way ungrateful for the small fortunes The Almighty has bestowed upon me, but in honesty, He does often test His true Believers and sometimes the human condition is such that we tend to ignore His Blessings when misfortune is abound. For that weakness, I must repent and only self-flaggellation and fervent prayer will redeem my wicked, pathetic soul.
Anyhooo, as I was saying Life hasn’t been a happy meal since Papi left us for Tranny-ho-bitch-slut from the local pharmacy (Tranny-ho-bitch-slut isn’t really her name, its Susan). Mams has taken to the bottle again, I’ve told her its evil and The Lord will punish her with HellFire and sweaty armpits. She ignores me though, I don’t blame her, if my husband ran off with a she-male and left me to raise three snivelling brats and take care of an ailing, miserable, nagging geriatric, I think I’d risk sweaty armpits too. Mams lost her job after she tried to set the factory on fire. The voices were quite adamant, she couldn’t ignore them and I was sure that they were a sign from The Lord, He was testing Mams conviction, too bad we had to sell the house, car and all our worldly posessions to pay for the damages. But we’re happy here in the shantytown, everyone’s so friendly and we don’t mind the neighbours who keep walking in to borrow our stuff. Max, the guy in the shack three cardboards down called me a “Flaming Hot Bitch” the other day. He said he’d come over for a visit some time. I think he likes me.
I haven’t ever had a real boyfriend. The closest was Prince Jimmy from Nigeria, but he didn’t last. He kept asking me for bank account details and when I told him that financial institiutions were a working of the Dark One, he stopped emailing me.
I get lonely sometimes, and I miss my computer. The only access I ever get is when Costa at the corner shop lets me use his laptop every friday in exchange for Mams’ brassieres. I feel terrible about stealing these for Costa, but i pray and self-flagellate everyday, and I’m sure The Lord will forgive me.
Bertrand, thats a beautiful name. French is it? I love France. Vive la plaster of Paris. I like all things French like escargots and frog legs.
You sound so distinguished and clever. And you sound french, so you must be dashing and attractive.
I had no idea that we had family in Togo. Mams prefers not to talk about the ‘dark’ side of the family. Uncle Popeye, who was betrothed to Betsy May; a good God-Fearing woman, eloped with the Senegalese maid who smoked evil-smelling tobacco. Perhaps, the relatives you speak of are their bastard products and subsequent unions.
I’ve attached my picture to this email and would love if you sent me one in return.
Perhaps once my inheritance comes through, we can court and get married.

Looking forward to your response,

May The Good Lord Bless You with bounteous chickens,

My Love and Intimates,

mwah. mwah. mwah.