i gots the 419

A little 419 scammer made his way into my inbox. I had a little monotony to murder and could not resist The Voices.

From: bertrand green
Signed-By: yahoo.fr
Reply-To: bertrand_green@myway.com
To: saaleha@gmail.com
Date: Jul 27, 2006 2:55 PM
Subject: Inheritance Claim Partnership. Ms Saaleha Bamjee
From:Bertrand Green
Address: 64 avenue du 24 Janvier B.P 06
Lome Togo Rep.
Private Email:
bertrand_green@myway.com

Dear Ms Saaleha Bamjee,

Please accept my apology in using this medium in contacting you with such important information as these.I am Barrister Bertrand Green,legal representative to Mr.Oliver G.Bamjee, a national of your country.My late client was a business man who dealt in ammunitions.Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 24th of June 2003, my client, his wife and their only daughter were assassinated at their home in the northern part of my country by people thought to be government officials,but later found out was people he had business dealings with.Since then I have been making several enquiries here to locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name through the Togolaise foreign exchange commission, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in repartriating the fund valued at US$9Million left behind by my late client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount was deposited. The said Security Finance Company has issued me an order of mandamus to provide the next of kin or have his account confiscated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your honest cooperation and willingness to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through my private mail box below.

Best regards. Bertrand Green
Email: bertrand_green@myway.com
Private Phone: 00228 922 8562.

—-

From: Saaleha Bamjee
Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: bertrand_green@myway.com
Date: Jul 28, 2006 8:47 AM
Subject: Re: Inheritance Claim Partnership. Ms Saaleha Bamjee

Dear Bertrand Green,

This is grand news and could not have come at a better time.
Fate has not been kind to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Believer and am in no way ungrateful for the small fortunes The Almighty has bestowed upon me, but in honesty, He does often test His true Believers and sometimes the human condition is such that we tend to ignore His Blessings when misfortune is abound. For that weakness, I must repent and only self-flaggellation and fervent prayer will redeem my wicked, pathetic soul.
Anyhooo, as I was saying Life hasn’t been a happy meal since Papi left us for Tranny-ho-bitch-slut from the local pharmacy (Tranny-ho-bitch-slut isn’t really her name, its Susan). Mams has taken to the bottle again, I’ve told her its evil and The Lord will punish her with HellFire and sweaty armpits. She ignores me though, I don’t blame her, if my husband ran off with a she-male and left me to raise three snivelling brats and take care of an ailing, miserable, nagging geriatric, I think I’d risk sweaty armpits too. Mams lost her job after she tried to set the factory on fire. The voices were quite adamant, she couldn’t ignore them and I was sure that they were a sign from The Lord, He was testing Mams conviction, too bad we had to sell the house, car and all our worldly posessions to pay for the damages. But we’re happy here in the shantytown, everyone’s so friendly and we don’t mind the neighbours who keep walking in to borrow our stuff. Max, the guy in the shack three cardboards down called me a “Flaming Hot Bitch” the other day. He said he’d come over for a visit some time. I think he likes me.
I haven’t ever had a real boyfriend. The closest was Prince Jimmy from Nigeria, but he didn’t last. He kept asking me for bank account details and when I told him that financial institiutions were a working of the Dark One, he stopped emailing me.
I get lonely sometimes, and I miss my computer. The only access I ever get is when Costa at the corner shop lets me use his laptop every friday in exchange for Mams’ brassieres. I feel terrible about stealing these for Costa, but i pray and self-flagellate everyday, and I’m sure The Lord will forgive me.
Bertrand, thats a beautiful name. French is it? I love France. Vive la plaster of Paris. I like all things French like escargots and frog legs.
You sound so distinguished and clever. And you sound french, so you must be dashing and attractive.
I had no idea that we had family in Togo. Mams prefers not to talk about the ‘dark’ side of the family. Uncle Popeye, who was betrothed to Betsy May; a good God-Fearing woman, eloped with the Senegalese maid who smoked evil-smelling tobacco. Perhaps, the relatives you speak of are their bastard products and subsequent unions.
I’ve attached my picture to this email and would love if you sent me one in return.
Perhaps once my inheritance comes through, we can court and get married.

Looking forward to your response,

May The Good Lord Bless You with bounteous chickens,

My Love and Intimates,

mwah. mwah. mwah.

Published by

saaleha

I am a writer and photographer (look up my work on www.shootcake.com) based in Johannesburg, South Africa. I have an MA in Creative Writing from the university currently known as Rhodes. My writing accolades include winning the 2014 Writivism Short Story Prize and the 2020 Ingrid Jonker Poetry Prize for my debut collection, Zikr.

12 thoughts on “i gots the 419”

  1. More bounce to the ounce sister!

    I just forward all those 419s to the SAP – don’t know if they do anything with them.

    A great letter!

  2. HI, I found your blog with this letter today because i recived THE SAME letter form this person, and logically wonder if this could be true.. im not a believer.. but you know.. things happens. I Want to know if you have been in contact with this person. Of course he only changed the murdered last name to my last name..
    Please email me ricardo_delima@yahoo.com
    He actually sent me another letter inviting me too discuss deatails and offered a 30%!!!
    Bye.

  3. now this was one damn good solid post!…..the good news…i think that these sort of chain mail letters are generated via a program…..so a response is highly unlikely!

    fantabulous nevertheless!!!!!!!!!!! pissing in my panties…….

    hahahahahahahahahahaha!
    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

    fida . . .

  4. there are three things most men dont understand: females; girls; women…this is a height of desperation..(“,)
    sals, you better employ personal bodyguards to watch your….(cute)….i mean your back!

  5. Muaaahahahahahahahahaha! That deserves an evil Laugh. My word, what brilliant wordplay to snare the hunter. Applause is due.

    And the picture is just Beautiful!

    The entire affair sounds SO African Trailer Trash… Thanks for making my week!

    Peace,
    M.

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